I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. I’ve just had a lot going on lately. I did end up seeing the therapist I talked about in my last post. Regretfully, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I saw her four times before I finally decided to stop going because rather than making me feel better and really helping me overcome the obstacles I’ve been facing, I ended up feeling even worse about myself and spiraling. You might know the kind of therapist I’m talking about. The one who shows up only to make a paycheck rather than really trying to understand you. The one that *politely* tells you that you’re making it up in your mind and that basically you just need to get over it. Wow, wish I had thought to “just get over it”. Oh wait, I did. It didn’t work. Hence the reason I wanted a therapist… Anyways, at least I found out that my “meltdowns” were actually panic attacks caused by anxiety. Probably the one good thing that came out of the four sessions.
Previously, I had been suffering from the combination of my anxiety and my ADHD. I was struggling at the time, but I was doing better than I am now. I’m not sure exactly what happened to cause me to spiral into a state of depression. I suppose it was a combination of stress, past experiences and memories, anxiety, and the fact that I tried to get help before I got close enough to “rock bottom” and not getting the proper help I needed because they didn’t believe what I was dealing with and how I was handling it was bad enough to get proper, early intervention. All I was able to get was a crappy version of talk therapy that made me feel ashamed and like my problems weren’t big enough to matter. I started to feel hopeless all the time. At one point I was crying almost every night, waking up to find that my eyes were swollen but knowing I still had to go to class. I used to fall asleep easily and sleep like a rock when I did. Now, I can barely fall asleep and when I do I toss and turn and wake up exhausted. I have no energy and no idea who I am anymore. I make up excuses to cancel plans with friends because a sudden wave of sadness and heaviness has passed over me and I don’t feel like being around other people because I can’t be the person that they knew me to be.
I always used to be the girl that knew exactly who she was and what she stood for. I was smart, funny, kind and beautiful in my own way and I knew it deep down. I never used to be self conscious in the ways other girls were or at least not enough to dictate who I was and the decisions I made and the people I was friends with. Now, I’m constantly worried about what people might think of me or that they don’t like me or take me seriously. I’m extremely emotional and it just seems like every little thing just keeps adding up and I’m slowly being crushed by it all. I forget everything, come to class unprepared, and I just feel an overwhelming amount of shame for it because I’ve tried everything I can think of to help myself on my own including keeping up a calendar and reminder system on my phone and computer, writing lists, keeping up a written planner, and even putting command hooks on my door where I hang my keys and instruments for my music class so that I won’t walk out without them. Somehow I still keep screwing it up, but I’m trying so hard because I know I’m the only who can do it with or without a therapist. It’s just extremely devastating to know that even when you are putting up a fight and giving it everything you have left to give, you’re hardly making any progress at all. I’m trying to be strong. I’ve been through a lot of painful things in my life and made it through, but I honestly believe this is the lowest I’ve ever been so far.
Thanks for taking time out of your day (or night) to read this.
Stop The Stigma 