Hello again,

For those who have followed my blog and liked some of my first posts, I appreciate that so much. It’s literally been months since I last posted. Part of the reason is that I often feel like I have nothing to talk about that other people might need/want to hear, and then there is the “all or nothing” mindset I often find myself falling prey to. It’s that thought that pops into my head saying “You haven’t posted for so long so you shouldn’t try to post again because now it will just be weird and everyone who was looking at your posts has already moved on with their life.” Anyone else ever get stuck in that “all or nothing” mindset? However, those probably aren’t the best practices if you want to build a successful blog with an active community around it.

Sometimes I can be prone to “going through phases,” or just disappearing altogether for long periods of time. I’m an omnivert, but lean more towards introvert in this type of situation, so I am trying not to be too harsh on myself since it’s one of those personality traits I’ve always had and will probably not be able to change. We’ll see though… Self improvement can get you really far and help you accomplish a lot of amazing things, but it may not be realistic to look at it like a video game where you keep leveling up until you eventually reach perfection. I don’t know about you, but I’m not totally sure it works like that. I think some personality traits are set in stone and that sometimes you just have to find people who will love and appreciate you not only for the hard work you do to make yourself better, but also for the things that you just can’t seem to change about yourself. It’s okay not to be perfect and you should never feel like you have to compete with others to be “good enough”, but I feel like it isn’t okay not to try to do better and be better than you were yesterday. You should always try to have a healthy rivalry with yourself. To be honest though, I’m still working on that “healthy rivalry” too.

Anyways, a LOT has happened since the last time I posted (who even knows how many months it’s been). I transferred to Appalachian State University, from a private university that I hated. I had my fair share of horrible *wouldn’t want to repeat that again* personal expereinces there, and I decided I just needed a fresh start somewhere else. Side note: I’m so glad that’s a thing you can do in college, just wake up one day and decide that you hate where you’re at (in location and in life) and just physically move away and start fresh the next semester.

I was recently (within the last 6 months) diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, and PTSD from childhood. I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome because of emotional distress about a year ago when I felt like I had literally hit rock bottom, and have been dealing with that ever since. And to top it all off, I’ve have been diagnosed as having ADHD since I was 3 years old. Lovely…

On a more positive note, I got a job and have been working there for the past eight months (with the exception of now, because I was displaced from on-campus housing due to the corona virus pandemic). I work at a fast food restaurant, and although it is often a hard job (especially on second shift) I love the vast majority of the people I have been working with and have made friends. I was scared to get a job at first, because I was afraid I would fall behind and make bad grades, but I had to do it so that I could afford to go to therapy and to see a psychiatrist, etc. I was at a point where I could no longer try to push down and “just deal with” being in a poor state of mental health. I was also afraid of not fitting in there, and not learning fast enough to do a good job. The hilarious thing is that once I had worked a few months, I had become successful at all of the things I was afraid of and all that fear was meaningless. I also made the Dean’s List for the Fall semester and I am happy about that because that’s always a confidence booster for me. I enjoy learning and being in school. Honestly I wish I could do school forever, partially due to my love of learning, and also because I’m great at it and it’s a safe space for me. I guess you have to move on and get out of your comfort zone though in order to grow.

Another thing I recently learned about myself is that I am an HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person. HSP is a trait typically chracterized by having a sensitive nervous system that is often unintentionally overstimulated, experiencing stronger emotional responses to stimuli, and awareness of subleties in the environments around you that others typically wouldn’t notice, whether it be physical, social, emotional, etc.

I feel very ambivalent about this though because I can see in my life where people feel inconvenienced by the kind of natural sensitivity I possess more often than they are understanding of it. It’s a good thing to know this about myself because now I can recognize triggers and things that elevate my physical and emotional discomfort and find ways to intervene before it gets out of hand and becomes unbearable, but it often makes me feel isolated because I think people perceive me to be dodgy or not a good friend, because of it.

I often feel like I need lots of time to go home, sit alone and just be so that I can recharge from overstimulating environments such as social gatherings consisting of more than a few people, going out and running errands around town, going to work or class, etc. I often need small breaks between classes, appointments, errands, etc and so I try to schedule accordingly. Taking breaks helps to ease some of the stress and discimfort to a more tolerable level that allows me to be productive and content. Usually going places and hanging out with other people who have different interests than I do (which is everyone) drains my energy and exhausts my emotional and social “reserves,” for lack of a better term. I also find that I have a hard time blocking out things that are irritating and when I am not able to adapt and find a way to block it out, I tend to have strong emotional reactions and feelings of extreme discomfort (although I usually try not to show it because people don’t understand). I want to have friends and go places, but at the same time I need to know that my friends and loved ones can understand and respect my needs, especially in regards to space and comfort level, but I feel like people often have a hard time grasping that concept without being offended and thinking that “I don’t want to hang out with them” or that I’m “selfish,” but that’s not true. If I spend too much time with people and exhaust all my energy trying to spend more time with them in environments that I can’t control and that make me uncomfortable, I get impatient and irritable and it will be a not so pleasant experience for both of us because I was pushed too far. You can’t enjoy spending time with someone when they are no longer comfortable and it physically and emotionally bothers them to be in that state.

I’m not a great “consistent” friend. I won’t text you every single day and try to hang out every weekend, but I am a great “be there for you when you need it the most” friend. HSPs need friends who know and are willing to respect their boundaries and who understand the triggers and situations that make them most uncomfortable. We experience heightened sensitivity in comparison to most people so it’s not a normal type of discomfort that everyone feels all the time. It’s the kind of discomfort that follows you like a rain cloud in Mario Kart for the rest of the day or few a few hours. Seemingly little things can trigger that kind of discomfort for us. We can’t get over it, and it doesn’t mean we are bad people or bad friends, we just need space to recharge and be independent and to go to our “safe space,” the environment we have created to help soothe that discomfort and recharge so we can be ready for the next obstacles. For us, it is vital to our social and emotional well being that you don’t “overstay your welcome” and that you listen to us when it’s time for us to go home and have some alone time. We aren’t angry or upset at you. We do want to be your friend. We don’t want to be pushed too far and overstimulated because you can’t/don’t want to understand our needs. We are just a little different. But we still love you, and we want you to love us too.

These are my personal experiences and feelings as an HSP though. HSPs differ a lot in so many ways, so if you think you or a friend might be one, don’t think it is limited to the experiences I just described. If you want to know more about HSPs and take a self-test for it, I recommend reading The Highly Sensitive Person: How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You, by Dr. Elaine Aron. It can be found for a good price on Ebay and probably Amazon too!

“They hear nearly every sound, notice every movement, and process the expression on every person’s face. And that means that simply walking through a public space can be an assault on their senses.”

Andre Solo

I hope you found this post interesting and hopefully helpful in your own lives. Please leave a comment if you share similar experiences, feelings, or just want to give some feedback on my post!

As always, thanks for reading and supporting my posts!

I know it’s been quite a while since I last posted. I’ve just had a lot going on lately. I did end up seeing the therapist I talked about in my last post. Regretfully, it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I saw her four times before I finally decided to stop going because rather than making me feel better and really helping me overcome the obstacles I’ve been facing, I ended up feeling even worse about myself and spiraling. You might know the kind of therapist I’m talking about. The one who shows up only to make a paycheck rather than really trying to understand you. The one that *politely* tells you that you’re making it up in your mind and that basically you just need to get over it. Wow, wish I had thought to “just get over it”. Oh wait, I did. It didn’t work. Hence the reason I wanted a therapist… Anyways, at least I found out that my “meltdowns” were actually panic attacks caused by anxiety. Probably the one good thing that came out of the four sessions.

Previously, I had been suffering from the combination of my anxiety and my ADHD. I was struggling at the time, but I was doing better than I am now. I’m not sure exactly what happened to cause me to spiral into a state of depression. I suppose it was a combination of stress, past experiences and memories, anxiety, and the fact that I tried to get help before I got close enough to “rock bottom” and not getting the proper help I needed because they didn’t believe what I was dealing with and how I was handling it was bad enough to get proper, early intervention. All I was able to get was a crappy version of talk therapy that made me feel ashamed and like my problems weren’t big enough to matter. I started to feel hopeless all the time. At one point I was crying almost every night, waking up to find that my eyes were swollen but knowing I still had to go to class. I used to fall asleep easily and sleep like a rock when I did. Now, I can barely fall asleep and when I do I toss and turn and wake up exhausted. I have no energy and no idea who I am anymore. I make up excuses to cancel plans with friends because a sudden wave of sadness and heaviness has passed over me and I don’t feel like being around other people because I can’t be the person that they knew me to be.

I always used to be the girl that knew exactly who she was and what she stood for. I was smart, funny, kind and beautiful in my own way and I knew it deep down. I never used to be self conscious in the ways other girls were or at least not enough to dictate who I was and the decisions I made and the people I was friends with. Now, I’m constantly worried about what people might think of me or that they don’t like me or take me seriously. I’m extremely emotional and it just seems like every little thing just keeps adding up and I’m slowly being crushed by it all. I forget everything, come to class unprepared, and I just feel an overwhelming amount of shame for it because I’ve tried everything I can think of to help myself on my own including keeping up a calendar and reminder system on my phone and computer, writing lists, keeping up a written planner, and even putting command hooks on my door where I hang my keys and instruments for my music class so that I won’t walk out without them. Somehow I still keep screwing it up, but I’m trying so hard because I know I’m the only who can do it with or without a therapist. It’s just extremely devastating to know that even when you are putting up a fight and giving it everything you have left to give, you’re hardly making any progress at all. I’m trying to be strong. I’ve been through a lot of painful things in my life and made it through, but I honestly believe this is the lowest I’ve ever been so far.

Thanks for taking time out of your day (or night) to read this.